Skip to main content

Permission



For people who have lived under the thumb of an abusive or overbearing person, it is difficult to feel free to be who you are. I am in a long, slow process to lay down the burden of expectations that others have put on me, or that I put on myself as a result of coping with abuse. It feels like a revelation to be "allowed" to do something that was previously forbidden. I am being more intentional about giving myself permission to be who I am, feel what I feel, and say what I want to say. Here's a list of a few things I give myself permission for today:

1. You have permission to say no.
2. You have permission to say HELL NO. 
3. You have permission to feel all your feelings, especially the unpleasant ones.
4. You have permission to feel the pleasant ones, too.
5. You have permission to rest.
6. You have permission to play.
7. You have permission to turn off your brain and binge watch TV.
8. You have permission to kick some metaphorical ass.
9. You have permission to kick some actual ass.
10. You have permission to swear.
11. You have permission to not feel the need to explain yourself.
12. You have permission to stand up for yourself.
13. You have permission to cut through the small talk.
14. You have permission to call out the bullshit.
15. You have permission to be "difficult."
16. You have permission to be "moody."
17. You have permission to be pissed off about people who don't understand.
18. You have permission to walk away.
19. You have permission to eat all the ice cream.
20. You have permission to love yourself.

What's on your list?

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

No, There Are Not Two Sides

I was in a meeting where a mediator was trying her best to stay impartial to a situation where a large volume of well-documented verbal and emotional abuse had occurred. She was a trained professional, but professionally speaking, she didn't want to be in a position to take sides on the issue. She offered the worn-out platitude, "Well, there are two sides to every story..." I let it slide the first time she said it, but when she said it again, I stopped her.

"Actually, when it comes to abuse, there are not two sides. There is abuse, and there is the recipient of abuse. The recipient of abuse is not at fault for the actions of the abuser."

Her jaw dropped a moment, then she nodded slowly. She knew I was right, and in this moment, a light went on. The situation she was mediating was not about two people having a disagreement. It was about a serial abuser attacking someone else who had done nothing to provoke the attack. She couldn't stay impartial. It was h…

Codependent or Empath?

There are a number of resources and articles for survivors of narcissistic abuse, and taken in all together, are extremely helpful in better understanding the abuser and our own role in the abuse. There is a certain type of person narcissists, psychopaths, and Cluster B abusers tend to seek out. Terms like "codependent" and "empath" are tossed around, sometimes interchangeably, but they are not the same.

A codependent's core issue (like the narcissist) is low self-esteem. They attach themselves to an alpha personality for their identity, and are constantly looking outside of themselves for validation and definition. They are helpers and fixers. Many people in the caring professions, such as teachers and nurses, tend to be codependent. They crave external praise and will go to great lengths to enable others in order to be liked. A codependent's sense of happiness and self-worth can be entirely dependent on the moods, actions, and feelings of the alpha. Code…

Ten Tools for Trauma Survivors

A couple years ago, I hit a serious wall.  I was emotionally and physically exhausted, but didn't understand why. Sure, I was a mom, wife, graduate student, and ran a business, but this exhaustion went much deeper than my chronic state of busyness and hypervigilance. Sure, I knew I had a rough childhood and had gone no contact with my parents ten years prior. I got on with my life. I made many positive and deliberate changes so I didn't repeat their patterns, but I hadn't fully unpacked just how vast that black hole of childhood trauma was. For me, awakening to the impact of my childhood trauma has happened over many years, with thousands of tiny steps toward recovery. But one day, the truth of it hit me so hard, I had to drop everything to process it. I had no choice because my body and brain simply gave out. I had to grow or succumb. I chose to grow.

I threw myself headlong into the task of really looking at my issues. You could say I was hypervigilant about trauma reco…