Skip to main content

Letting Go of Toxic People


Because I had been raised by abusers, I used to think that I could handle difficult people. I see the traps long before most people do, and I thought seeing them meant I could manage to avoid them. But I learned in the hardest way possible that I am not immune to abusive people in my present. I can manage abusive behavior, but it takes its toll on my mental, emotional, and physical health. For me, being around an abusive person, even if I am not the one being targeted, triggers all my past trauma.  It literally feels like poison in my body. When it comes to narcissism and other incurable personality disorders, the only solution is to get far away.

Toxic people see an opportunity in me to be their codependent. You see, I have empathy. I am a hard worker. I have integrity. I play nice and get along with others. I allow others to have the spotlight. I prefer to let my own actions speak for themselves. I believe in the principles of "yes, and." I am a peacemaker. I don't demand much maintenance. I make others look good. I am narcissist candy. 

 I can't even blame the narcissist for finding me so tasty because I tend to take all the responsibility for being this way. 

I am healing, and what I know for sure from this journey is I can't live under anyone's thumb any more. It's heartbreaking to close the door on relationships I once treasured because there is no way to continue in an equitable, healthy way. It's heartbreaking to realize that my agreeableness was the only thing holding the relationship together to begin with. It's heartbreaking to walk away quietly from toxic people and realize they really don't even notice or care. It was a one-sided relationship, and I had exhausted myself holding it up. I duped myself again, thinking a narcissist cared about me. 

 Also sad is the thought that I am prone to repeat this pattern. I'm working on it, but I am worried about my future ventures. I like that I am a peacemaker. I like being humble and caring. I value the qualities that make me who I am, but I don't want to be a target for jerks. For me, it means being very selective about the people I allow in to every aspect of my life, and letting go of the ones who don't reciprocate compassion and understanding.




Labels:

Comments

  1. e. QuinlanOctober 18, 2017 at 9:57 AM

    I feel this so viscerally. I had to block my own mother today, because she was causing me so much emotional pain that I felt myself getting physically sick. It's so hard.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

No, There Are Not Two Sides

  I was in a meeting where a mediator was trying her best to stay impartial to a situation where a large volume of well-documented verbal and emotional abuse had occurred. She was a trained professional, but professionally speaking, she didn't want to be in a position to take sides on the issue. She offered the worn-out platitude, "Well, there are two sides to every story..." I let it slide the first time she said it, but when she said it again, I stopped her. "Actually, when it comes to abuse, there are not two sides. There is abuse, and there is the recipient of abuse. The recipient of abuse is not at fault for the actions of the abuser." Her jaw dropped a moment, then she nodded slowly. She knew I was right, and in this moment, a light went on. The situation she was mediating was not about two people having a disagreement. It was about a serial abuser attacking someone else who had done nothing to provoke the attack. She couldn't stay impartial. It
1 comment
Read more

The Difference Between Trauma and Anxiety

I've been living with the effects of complex trauma for a long time, but for many years I didn't know what it was. Off and on throughout my life, I've struggled with what I thought was anxiety and depression. Or rather, In addition to being traumatized, I was anxious and depressed.  All mental health is a serious matter, and should never be minimized. If you are feeling anxious or depressed, it's important and urgent to find the right support for you. No one gets a prize for "worst" depression, anxiety, trauma or any other combination of terrible things to deal with, and no one should suffer alone. With that in mind, there is a difference between what someone who has CPTSD feels and what someone with generalized anxiety or mild to moderate depression feels. For someone dealing with complex trauma, the anxiety they feel does not come from some mysterious unknown source or obsessing about what could happen. For many, the anxiety they feel is not rational
1 comment
Read more

Why Psychological Trauma is More Damaging Than Physical Trauma

You were lied to on the playground.  "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Neuroscientists and psychologists have proven in spades that words hurt most of all. But first, let's establish that abuse of any kind is horrible, heinous, and deserving of attention and care. The impact of physical trauma ought never be minimized in order to shine a light on psychological trauma. Not only is all trauma valid, all perceptions of trauma are valid. Two people can experience the same event and have drastically different outcomes. One's experience isn't more or less valid than another. If it hurts, seek help. Physical trauma is visceral. There is hard, objective evidence of abuse. Most people don't question its validity. It's cut and dry. "If he hits you, you should leave." If you are beaten or shot in a senseless crime, no one will try to convince you it didn't really happen. Children who are physically abused are
1 comment
Read more