Skip to main content

Looking for a Home


I am obsessed with real estate. As a pastime, I scan Zillow for houses in the way that some people pick out wardrobes and party ideas on Pinterest. I know every house on the market in my zip code (and probably yours). I  pick out the prettiest houses in every city, searching hundreds of Victorians, Craftsman, and Spanish Revivals. Or maybe I'll go look for the quintessential rustic vintage mountain cabin. I like to think about what it's like to live there, in those homes, in those cities or countrysides. I go for the colorful and eclectic ones. Pretty homes are my escapist fantasy. They are my Harlequin romance novels.

It doesn't take a degree in Psychology to understand why I am interested in finding the ideal home. There is no better analogy for family life. Growing up, I lived in a big, empty, lifeless house. It was a mass of standard grade tract home white walls and sensible dirt brown carpet. My parents were weird about money in the way that they were weird about love and compassion. My dad constantly bought things he couldn't afford, and my mom constantly grumbled to us kids about it. As a young child, I was well aware that they couldn't afford the house we were living in, yet they continued to acquire an RV, and a ski boat, and eventually a houseboat, along with all the accessories that had to go along with the lifestyle of a man-child with hobbies.

Our house was large, which, to them, was an important status symbol. But it was also cold and ugly. It was void of personality, heart, and charm. It was tidy because the kids were punished if it wasn't. The tall ceilings and lack of life inside created a cavernous echo. It lacked all the things a proper house should have, along with warm, caring people to go in it. To me, the house I grew up in was a metaphor for my parents' souls. Devoid. Their financial choices caught up to them. They sold the house and filed for bankruptcy just after I left for college. I was so glad to never return to that place.

Sometimes I have nightmares about that house. For some awful reason, I have reacquired it as an adult and I am rattling around the rooms like a ghost. It always needs a lot of work, yet there is no fixing that house. It overwhelms me, and I struggle through the hallways on a loop until I wake up, panting.

It's no surprise that the homes I've chosen to live in as an adult are intentionally the opposite of the house I grew up in. They are smaller, more messy, and way more colorful. Life is everywhere in my own house. Creative projects lie about. Plenty of evidence in every room reveal kids live here. My house is a place where we actually live, not just pretend to live.  It's not perfect, like my fantasy houses, but it is warm, casual, and welcoming to the kind of people who care about who we are, not what we have. Still, a part of me longs for an ideal home. It feels like a void. I am searching for it in the same way I search for my ideal parents. I suppose I will always want the things I cannot have.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Difference Between Trauma and Anxiety

I've been living with the effects of complex trauma for a long time, but for many years I didn't know what it was. Off and on throughout my life, I've struggled with what I thought was anxiety and depression. Or rather, In addition to being traumatized, I was anxious and depressed.  All mental health is a serious matter, and should never be minimized. If you are feeling anxious or depressed, it's important and urgent to find the right support for you. No one gets a prize for "worst" depression, anxiety, trauma or any other combination of terrible things to deal with, and no one should suffer alone. With that in mind, there is a difference between what someone who has CPTSD feels and what someone with generalized anxiety or mild to moderate depression feels. For someone dealing with complex trauma, the anxiety they feel does not come from some mysterious unknown source or obsessing about what could happen. For many, the anxiety they feel is not rational...
1 comment
Read more

No, There Are Not Two Sides

  I was in a meeting where a mediator was trying her best to stay impartial to a situation where a large volume of well-documented verbal and emotional abuse had occurred. She was a trained professional, but professionally speaking, she didn't want to be in a position to take sides on the issue. She offered the worn-out platitude, "Well, there are two sides to every story..." I let it slide the first time she said it, but when she said it again, I stopped her. "Actually, when it comes to abuse, there are not two sides. There is abuse, and there is the recipient of abuse. The recipient of abuse is not at fault for the actions of the abuser." Her jaw dropped a moment, then she nodded slowly. She knew I was right, and in this moment, a light went on. The situation she was mediating was not about two people having a disagreement. It was about a serial abuser attacking someone else who had done nothing to provoke the attack. She couldn't stay impartial. It ...
1 comment
Read more

Why Psychological Trauma is More Damaging Than Physical Trauma

You were lied to on the playground.  "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Neuroscientists and psychologists have proven in spades that words hurt most of all. But first, let's establish that abuse of any kind is horrible, heinous, and deserving of attention and care. The impact of physical trauma ought never be minimized in order to shine a light on psychological trauma. Not only is all trauma valid, all perceptions of trauma are valid. Two people can experience the same event and have drastically different outcomes. One's experience isn't more or less valid than another. If it hurts, seek help. Physical trauma is visceral. There is hard, objective evidence of abuse. Most people don't question its validity. It's cut and dry. "If he hits you, you should leave." If you are beaten or shot in a senseless crime, no one will try to convince you it didn't really happen. Children who are physically abused are ...
1 comment
Read more