I Have Something To Say

My mother had a knack for triangulating people through toxic secrets. She learned the behavior from her mother. She would start out by dropping some heavy piece of information that as a child I had no business knowing, and then say, "Don't tell your (dad, brother, teacher, grandma, etc.) because I don't wan't to upset them." Essentially,  this meant I was screwed. Not only was the information itself a source of stress, but I also had to worry that whatever it was didn't leak out. Even if it didn't say anything, if the person found out, I would be blamed and deemed "untrustworthy." On top of all that was an ethical dilemma. The person my mother was keeping secrets from had a right to know. When they inevitably would find out that I kept the information from them, they would be upset with me , not my mom. The stress piled up, and I suffocated under its toxic weight. Because of toxic secrets in my family, I was psychologically and sexually ab...

As someone who experiences complex trauma from child abuse, it's frustrating when a friend, family member, or say, an entire political party, continues to stay with an abuser even when they know he's toxic. But I understand it. Trauma bonding, also known as Stockholm Syndrome, happens when the negative experience of abuse becomes so great, the brain switches tactics, attempting to "go along" with the abuser at any cost. Voilà, it doesn't hurt as much any more. Trauma bonding often happens in long-term situations where there is no perceived escape, such as childhood abuse or when someone is held captive. Some victims of abuse are cowed into submission over repeated attacks, simply worn down to a point where they no longer can muster any resistance. It then seems easier to disappear into one's self, or dissociate, rather than take any action to get away. Others become agreeable, cooperative, and can even fall in love with their abuser as a form of self-prot...

There are a number of resources and articles for survivors of narcissistic abuse, and taken in all together, are extremely helpful in better understanding the abuser and our own role in the abuse. There is a certain type of person narcissists, psychopaths, and Cluster B abusers tend to seek out. Terms like "codependent" and "empath" are tossed around, sometimes interchangeably, but they are not the same. A codependent's core issue (like the narcissist) is low self-esteem. They attach themselves to an alpha personality for their identity, and are constantly looking outside of themselves for validation and definition. They are helpers and fixers. Many people in the caring professions, such as teachers and nurses, tend to be codependent. They crave external praise and will go to great lengths to enable others in order to be liked. A codependent's sense of happiness and self-worth can be entirely dependent on the moods, actions, and feelings of the alpha. C...

From a very young age, I learned how to take care of myself, physically and emotionally. I had to, because no one else was going to do it. I have early infant-toddler memories of being raged at if I cried for any reason, but the reason usually being that I was left alone for hours, cold, wet, and hungry. I eventually learned that if anyone was going to soothe me, it had to be me. Instead of my parents, I bonded to my blanket and my cat, because they were what helped me calm down. I started to cook and do dishes while standing on a step stool when I was five. As a young child, I was expected to do all the housework, and I did. Starting in first grade, I walked home from school, let myself in to an empty house, and did my homework while avoiding my abusive brother. I was expected to do well in school, and I did, completely and entirely on my own, without even so much as a "What are you working on?" from either parent. I essentially raised myself. And I did a pretty good job,...

Wouldn't it be nice if we all lived in harmony? Wouldn't it be great if everyone respected one another as human beings? Wouldn't it be wonderful if every interaction with others stirred up feelings of warmth and connectedness instead of fear and dread? But alas, some people suck. I used to think it was my own failure. As someone who was trained from an early age to take on the responsibility of my abusers, I accepted their lie that it was my fault that we didn't get along. I thought there was something wrong with me that they behaved the way they did. If I was really a kind, peace-loving person, I would be able to handle them with all the love and concern they demanded, but never reciprocated. Worse still, was when my parents got religious. It was then my obligation as their daughter to "obey" them and turn the other cheek, no matter what. No matter what. It's no wonder I had to learn about boundaries as an adult. My parents never respected even the...

My mother was obsessed with them, but I never figured out who they were. For a while, I thought maybe they were the neighbors, but that didn't make sense. Other than waving hello as we passed by, we weren't really friends with our neighbors. We didn't know each other any more than what was said over appetizers and small talk at the block party. Could their opinion of us matter that much to my mom? What would we miss out on if the neighbors knew? Patty's signature 9x13 dish of seven layer dip? Then I thought, maybe they were our extended family. Most of them lived out of town, and it seemed my mom wasn't really in touch with them, save the annual Christmas letter. The ones nearby we saw two or three times a year on holidays. Like the neighbors, most of the gatherings involved small talk and dip. I would give each relative a hug hello and a hug goodbye, along with the obligatory reminder of what grade I'm in now. Other than that, I don't recall anyone i...

They see themselves as good people. Conflict makes them uncomfortable. They don't want to get involved. They fear losing friends and family. They wish everyone would just get along. They are the silent complicit, and they are as toxic as the overt abusers they enable. In many ways, they are worse. They claim to be your friend. They claim to care. They are in every workplace, school, grocery store, and public place. When abuse happens right in front of their face, they fail to recognize it. They don't understand why you are upset. They make lame excuses, often in the form of platitudes. "There are two sides to every story." "Give him the benefit of the doubt." "Time heals all wounds." "Let's not jump to conclusions." "Prayer solves everything." The silent complicit would much rather believe the lie that nothing is wrong than to admit the truth. Some choose to do this out of sheer laziness. Admitting something is wron...

Dear Dad, The young child that you molested and terrorized is no longer afraid of you. She resides within me now, safe from all your treachery. Today, I am a strong and capable woman and you are a sick old man. We both know that you knew exactly what you were doing when you abused me. You stole my innocence. You stole my childhood. Not once did you ever admit wrongdoing or remorse. You are evil and cruel, and you ought to be in jail. You made me bow down to you, but it was never enough. You punished me because I could never give you enough validation. No one could. You'll think this is blasphemy, but children are not created to worship their parents.  It should have never been a requirement, yet I was forced to carry the burden of your own guilt and shame. You did not love me. You didn't even care about me. To you, I wasn't even a person. I was not allowed an individuality. The only worth you saw in me was my usefulness in feeding your ego. When I failed to do so...

I work in a career field that does not offer a steady paycheck or job security of any kind. Like many artists, I most of what I do in order to make a living is generated from self-motivation and hustle. Often, the hours of work I put in are not compensated, but rather considered a (necessary) accessory to a finished product. I can go for months pouring my heart and soul into a project not knowing when, or if, it may pay off. Sometimes, I see projects appear out of nowhere like magic, and more often, I see projects fizzle into nothing. Needless to say, it's not a lucrative way to live, but I do it because I reached a point where I found my soul was too valuable to stick into a cubicle. As someone in recovery from psychological abuse, I am learning to listen more to what my soul wants. I am also learning what my real limits are. I am capable of doing a lot of things, and in the past I often took on way too much in my job. When my employer downsized, I was the one who stayed on t...

After years of dysfunction and abuse, my alcoholic, narcissistic father and my enabling, codependent mother divorced. I was in college at the time. My mother hid behind "staying together for the children," even though we didn't want her to. I suppose she couldn't use that excuse any more when we weren't there. When she left him the first time, my father called me, upset. He didn't see it coming. He insisted it was completely out of the blue and without reason. Ha. During the first time they were separated, I was attending a school that I knew I needed to leave. I made plans to move back to my home state and transfer to an in-state university, though it meant having to move back in with my mom for a short time. I had some hope it might not be too bad since she was finally facing some reality and had left my father. About a week before I was due to arrive, she moved back in with him. It was awful. Worse than when I had left the first time, and I had grad...

Oh, by the way. My birthday is coming up and I've decided my gift to myself this year is to swear more. It's one more way I'm going off script from allowing the expectations of others to control me. I mean, really. When someone is more worried about avoiding the word fuck than keeping their children away from sexual predators, that is some disordered thinking right there. I believe in the power of words, and I think the more words that are at someone's disposal, the better. If you've ever been abused or controlled by another human being, allowing yourself to use words that were once off limits are especially important. Which brings me to why I absolutely fucking hate platitudes, and the insipid people who say them. Platitudes are the lowest form of human thought. They are the cockroaches of words. Is there really anything less emotionally shallow than offering an "everything will all work out," or "God is in control" when someone bares the...

There is a self help book by Louise Hay, written in the 1980's, called You Can Heal Your Life. It's about the emotional connections to disease in our bodies. According to Hay, our negative thoughts literally lead to our pain and suffering. Back pain is rooted in not feeling supported and carrying the burdens of life, Headaches are self-criticism and invalidation of self. Cancer is caused by deep secret grief eating away at the self. She wrote it at a time when there wasn't much science to support her ideas, and it was really to be taken more as a way to become generally more aware of how our physical bodies respond to emotional wounds. While it was embraced in certain New Age circles, it was considered junk by most professionals. That is, until science caught up to many of the same conclusions. She doesn't have it all right, but there is some old-school wisdom in not letting your thoughts eat away at you. While I don't agree with everything Hay writes, she was on...

Lots of people are legitimately confused right now. We live in a world where the people warning us about "fake news" are the ones fabricating the lies. "Alternative facts" are spun daily to reinforce these lies. And while there are plenty of smart, fair, balanced reporters pointing this out, the narrative has been spun so far out of control that anyone who challenges these lies is made to look like the enemy. The most horrible part about all of it is that a lot of people actually believe this narrative, even when there is zero real evidence to support it. This is gaslighting. Gaslighting makes people doubt their own perception of what's going on. Masters of gaslighting know just how to take hold of fears and spin them into someone's worst nightmare. Gaslighters manipulate so that victims have to rely on them, and them alone, to get their information. They are always one step ahead, because they know they lied, and they are already twisting information a...

Don't you hate it when you're trying to recover from narcissistic and emotional abuse, and then your country elects the Mother of all Narcissists into office?  Don't you hate it when your government mirrors the same gaslighting tactics of your abusers? Don't you hate it when all the people who have been brainwashed from twenty years of FOX News blaring in their living rooms no longer have the critical thinking skills to see they are being duped? Don't you hate it when people you know who once believed in "values" start making excuses for the bad behavior of the person their party chose, even though he is the antithesis of said values? Yeah, me too. When you've already lived through the wrath and destruction of a narcissist, it is really, really hard to watch millions of people fall for one. I am watching a slow motion train wreck and so many loved ones are on that train. Sometimes I have to look away for the sake of my own mental health. But I a...

Because I had been raised by abusers, I used to think that I could handle difficult people. I see the traps long before most people do, and I thought seeing them meant I could manage to avoid them. But I learned in the hardest way possible that I am not immune to abusive people in my present. I can manage abusive behavior, but it takes its toll on my mental, emotional, and physical health. For me, being around an abusive person, even if I am not the one being targeted, triggers all my past trauma.  It literally feels like poison in my body. When it comes to narcissism and other incurable personality disorders, the only solution is to get far away. Toxic people see an opportunity in me to be their codependent. You see, I have empathy. I am a hard worker. I have integrity. I play nice and get along with others. I allow others to have the spotlight. I prefer to let my own actions speak for themselves. I believe in the principles of "yes, and." I am a peacemaker. I ...

I love inspiring movies, I really do. Give me a (deserved) happy ending any day. I believe in the power of storytelling to transform hearts and minds, and point people toward what's good, beautiful, and true. But a satisfying ending in a story is what Aristotle would call "better than the real." Stories can offer insight, but they can't be the literal answer. Take It's a Wonderful Life, for example. Inspiring, right? George's friends come through in the final hour. An angel gets his wings. Everyone leaves the theater (or living room) happy and fulfilled because the story ends on a high note and all seems right with the world. They've forgotten that, UM, HELLO, FIVE MINUTES AGO HE WAS TRYING TO KILL HIMSELF. George Bailey is a hero because he sacrifices all his hopes and dreams in order to help other people.  Admirable, right? When he wants to explore the world, he stays home to take care of the family business. When he still wants to explore the wor...