I Have Something To Say

Trauma survivors seem to worry more than most that they are being 'lazy' when they aren't 100% productive. Let's expose that lie, shall we? The traumatized brain is anything but lazy. In fact, it is over-worked, over-stimulated, over-active, and over-stressed. Trauma survivors have an enlarged amygdala, which triggers the fight-or-flight response. In a survivor, this response goes haywire. It cannot perceive between something that happened in the past with what's in the present. The brain remembers trauma in the form of flashbacks that constantly re-create the experience. A traumatized brain is always on alert. Hypervigilance is constantly running in the background, assessing the situation and trying to report back to the rational brain what it finds. In order to keep up with everyday situations, it often must work hotter and harder than a brain without trauma. Say a non-traumatized person wants to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. No sweat, right? I...

Healing from narcissistic and emotional abuse is a lifelong unraveling. One has to scrape through many layers of gunk made up from the minimization of abuse and misplaced, mis-formed thoughts about one's self and the world they live in. In many ways, I consider myself extremely fortunate and privileged to have escaped my abusers and be in a place where my soul can finally ask two all-important questions: Who am I, and what do I want? These are difficult questions for anyone seeking to live an authentic life, but for abuse survivors, they are especially elusive. When I was a child, at a time when I was supposed to be developing a sense of self, I wasn't allowed to have an identity separate from my abusers. I existed tin order to serve whatever their ego wanted. That was it. As I naturally fought against this role, I was labeled "rebellious," "ungrateful," and "bad" for trying to seek a separate identity. Even though I distanced myself as much a...

Healing can be a long process, especially from complex trauma. There is an entire lifetime of coping mechanisms that survivors must unravel before they can decide what to keep and what to toss out. The process of becoming who you really are is tough for anyone, but for those who survived childhood abuse, it means learning fundamental aspects of development that were previously denied. When a baby learns that their caretaker is unreliable, it is extremely difficult to expect others to be reliable throughout their whole life. This deficit creates a whole host of coping mechanisms in survivors. Some become combative and antisocial. Others go to the opposite end of the spectrum. I am the kind of survivor who learned to cope by being extremely self-sufficient. I hid behind the masks of "I'm fine" and "That's okay." I never required much from my relationships because it was reinforced enough times for me to know on a visceral level that I would be let down. I...

Narcissistic abuse is a strange phenomenon to experience. Because of the very nature of the abuse, victims get sucked in gradually and often have a hard time putting their finger on what's going on. Many experience "waking up" to the realization that their parent, boss, or partner is a narcissist. Initially it can feel like the navigating the Twilight Zone as they step into a new world of insight and understanding. People who have experienced this form of abuse are often motivated to learn everything they can about narcissists to better understand what happened and why they got sucked in. This is good information to know, and there are so many great resources for survivors to understand the predatory nature of narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths. However, there is something that all survivors need to understand about narcissists: they aren't nearly as interesting as you. You were groomed by the narcissist because you are interesting. You have empathy, which...

I mentor a group of young adults, and was recently handling a situation where another mentor systematically tore down much of the esteem I had spent several weeks helping them build up. Her reasoning for doing this was to "toughen them up" and get them ready for "the real world." When asked her why she would purposely disparage young people just starting to grasp on to their own ideas, her response was, "Well, that's just the way the world is." No. That's the way narcissistic abuse is. Fear-based tactics do not work, and they especially have no place in any sort of system where one person holds authority over another. When a mentor shoots down the ideas of a mentee, it creates a false dependence on the mentor's "right" ideas. The mentee then feels a false insecurity about their own "wrong" ideas. Not only is this terrible teaching, this is extremely dangerous territory for anyone who has experienced narcissistic abuse...

Ending a relationship of any kind can be tough, but when someone tries to disentangle themselves from a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath, the experience is a special kind of hell. From the beginning, partners are groomed to cater to the needs of the narc while denying all of their own. It's an insidious process of devaluation that happens so gradually, few recognize what's happening until it's too late. Eventually, the partner of a narcissist will feel guilty for having any needs or boundaries at all. The narc's constant requirement to be the center of attention at all times ensures that no one else can exist in that space. In the world of a narcissist, they are always right and everyone else is always wrong. If you don't go along with their program, they are always the victim and you are always the perp.  Anyone who does not feed the insatiable ego of a narc at all times will be punished, and narcs are experts at dreaming up ways to be particularly and int...

I have a life-long habit of going unnoticed, even to myself. I am so busy getting things done, I rarely ever make time to acknowledge my own accomplishments. It struck me the other day, just how much I am managing while also making space in my life to grieve my past and heal from trauma. I felt a rare sense of pride, and then another wave of sadness, as feeling proud of who I am in spite (and because) of abuse is so fleeting. You see, when I feel proud of myself, I also feel how lonely it is to be standing in this empty space, unseen, unheard, and unacknowledged by others. Sometimes, I hide on purpose. As someone who has survived narcissists, a spotlight on me means I am an easy target for abusers. It makes me feel uncomfortable, not because I don't want to be noticed, but because I fear retaliation for taking up space. As a form of self-protection, I tend to blend into the background, making sure everything runs smoothly. I am so good at this it is common for others to just a...

I have often been labeled a "quiet" person, which always takes me by surprise. My mind runs so loud and fast, I sometimes forget that the constant clatter in my brain is not what others hear. It's true that I often don't often call attention to myself, though it's never because I am without thoughts, ideas, or opinions. For a number of reasons, I am usually more likely to opt out than speak up. Here's a few. Sometimes, I'm too traumatized to speak. When a new memory reveals itself, I often go numb. Usually this happens when something that was buried in my subconscious makes its way to the forefront of my mind. While all trauma gets stored in a part of the brain that doesn't have access to language, many of my traumatic memories are from a time before I could speak. It's especially difficult to put these feelings and experiences into words. Instead of fight or flight, I freeze. I am stuck in my body, fully aware but trapped in a protective shel...

It's New Year's Eve, and I'm spending it deep cleaning my house. I've been working on "good enough" instead of "perfect" all year, my kitchen and bathroom certainly reflect the achievement. I usually have a Sisyphean outlook about cleaning, given that I have three kids and lack the assistance of Alice from The Brady Bunch.  But I love a good metaphor, and what better metaphor is a thorough house cleaning on the last day of the year? So, this year has been... interesting. I'm not one of those people who declares the whole year to be great nor terrible. I mean, how is that defined, anyway? By fate or free will? I am neither looking forward to 2018 in fear and dread, nor giddy anticipation. There were ups and downs in 2017 and there will be ups and downs in 2018. But on the whole, I felt this was a year of progress. There is something that feels complete about it, other than the date. Perhaps because I feel like this was a year where I met my g...

Writing about the nature of abuse along with my own personal experience of it has been an extremely helpful tool for me to better integrate who I am. For a long time, I distracted myself from going there, knowing full well that when I did, it would be intense. Eventually, that strategy failed and I was left with no other healthy alternative than to face the big, hairy, purple monster head on. When I did face it head on, guess what? It was intense. I had to do a lot of interior work to get to a place where I could be fully honest and present with the full impact of what happened and the damage that was done. In this full embrace I finally allowed myself to grieve on a level I previously thought was "too selfish" (my abusers' words, not mine) to do. I allowed myself to fully acknowledge a range and depth of feeling that was previously inaccessible. The paradox of pain and relief that go with this sort of work often overwhelms me in a way that requires literally all I h...

Many survivors, myself included, struggle more than usual this time of year. Perhaps it's the darkness. Perhaps it's the expectations. Perhaps it's the collective anxiety of the season. For me, it's all of these and more. I can prepare, plan, and manage all the tricks I know to deal with my stuff, but complex trauma sneaks up on me in unusual ways, and right now it feels particularly intense. With that, here are a few reminders for those of us who struggle. When you are doing the best you can, but it doesn't fix or change things, your effort is enough. When you are trying to be gracious in spite of your pain, but it is not reciprocated, your consideration is enough. When you are curled up in a ball with your head under a pillow trying not to die, being alive is enough. When no one sees how difficult it is for you, and yet somehow you manage, seeing yourself is enough. When you do everything right, but it still falls apart, your goodness is enough. When you...

Recently, Arc of Hope , an (excellent) child abuse recovery and support network on Twitter added me to a list titled "Abused Kids/ Child Abuse Victim Army." Seeing myself associated with being a victim of child abuse sent a shock through my body. It might sound weird, but it felt like a new revelation. Now, one might think that someone with the Twitter handle @AbuseSurvior, having over 10 years of no contact with her abusers, who has been been blogging about the nature of abuse for several months now, with scores of posts and a steadily growing audience might be used to the idea by now that she was abused. But seeing this struck me in a new and different way. Here's why. It was external validation, by people who "get it," that it really happened. Growing up, not only was there no one else to validate that the emotional, psychological, spiritual, and sexual abuse happened, but the very nature of the abuse meant that I was brainwashed into doubting my own f...

I spent much of my childhood invisible. It was easier that way, as the alternative was to be blamed and punished for imagined faults and shortcomings projected on to me by my narcissistic parents. As an invisible person, I created other universes in my imagination which were not quite as sad and lonely as the one I was born into. To this day, my inner life is vivid, and I often prefer spending time "inside" to the more mundane realm of daily tasks and activities. Perhaps it is my inclination to disappear, to blend in, when the external stimuli overwhelms me. Perhaps I still hold on to the unconscious belief that I don't deserve to take up more space than I do in the hearts and minds of others. Perhaps I am simply so used to living this way that I don't see how to do it differently. But I long to be seen. I long to be seen in a way that tells me I am loved. I long to be seen in a way that tells me I am understood. I long to be seen in a way that tells me that it...

I have always been a strong writer and communicator, but growing up in a home full of narcissistic abuse and neglect, it never felt like it. As a child, I was often heartbroken and confused because I thought my parent's inability to understand me was my fault. They blamed me for nefarious intentions I never had. They presumed malice that was never there. I didn't get why they saw my seemingly simple requests as something to be threatened or angry about. Direct confrontation was cause for extreme reaction and punishment, so I learned not to have needs for basic things like boundaries or attention. I tried to brush it off, but as much as I tried, the unmet need to be heard and understood never left me. Because I thought it was my fault my parents didn't understand me, I overcompensated. I set out to express myself with as much clarity as I possibly could. If I shared my thoughts and feelings, I was  very careful to not offend others in the process. I learned to explain m...

There are a number of resources and articles for survivors of narcissistic abuse, and taken in all together, are extremely helpful in better understanding the abuser and our own role in the abuse. There is a certain type of person narcissists, psychopaths, and Cluster B abusers tend to seek out. Terms like "codependent" and "empath" are tossed around, sometimes interchangeably, but they are not the same. A codependent's core issue (like the narcissist) is low self-esteem. They attach themselves to an alpha personality for their identity, and are constantly looking outside of themselves for validation and definition. They are helpers and fixers. Many people in the caring professions, such as teachers and nurses, tend to be codependent. They crave external praise and will go to great lengths to enable others in order to be liked. A codependent's sense of happiness and self-worth can be entirely dependent on the moods, actions, and feelings of the alpha. C...

After many years of carrying the emotional burden of narcissistic abuse, it's no wonder I am often debilitated with frequent neck and shoulder aches and migraines. I know where they come from. I know why I get them. I've lived with them most of my life. My vision blurs. Sometimes, like right now, every sound stabs my ears. Sometimes, I even get "abdominal migraines" when the stabs move to my gut. It's a not a normal pain, but it is a familiar pain. There are, of course, many things I do to try to prevent, manage, and heal the pain. A strict diet, therapy, kind self-talk, stretching, caffeine, whimpering into my pillow, etc. When the pain reaches a certain level, there is no pill or bargain for my eternal soul that will make it go away. I just have to wait it out. The headache I have today is actually a result of something moving in therapy- one of those great worse-before-it-gets-better deals. This familiar pain is in so many ways a metaphor for the kind of...

Today I celebrate my 100th post on I Have Something to Say. I started this blog only six months ago as a way to reclaim my own voice, and to sort out my thoughts as I heal from the long term effects of childhood trauma. Like many others, I was coerced into silence by my abusers. The terror that raised me remained more present in my life than my parents ever were. I started this project because, for me, it was the best way to face my fear. In order to break old ties, I needed to make a public declaration. I was abused. Today I celebrate not only my own journey, but all of those who have read my posts and resonated with them. Abuse thrives in silence. It loses its power the more people call it out. 100 Reasons it's Important to Speak Up: You will reclaim your voice. You will reclaim your power. You will reclaim your indentity.  You will feel better. You will face your fears. You will inspire others.  You will inspire yourself.  You will make it easier to spe...

One of the most common non-helpful responses to someone suffering from the fallout of abuse is to push the victim toward forgiveness too soon. Usually it's coupled with some form of shame that the victim "should" feel something other than whatever she is feeling. Sometimes, it's coupled with well-meaning platitudes- "It's the Christian thing to do." It's offered as the fix-all solution to help her "set it aside," "snap out of it," and "move on." Here's the thing. Pressuring people to forgive prematurely only prolongs the healing process. The only way to fully process what happened is for the victim to feel her feelings, whatever they may be. People who have been psychologically abused by narcissists and other dark triad personalities have been brainwashed into all kinds of shame-based falsities that their thoughts, feelings, ideas, and opinions don't matter. Essentially, they were taught to believe that they...

So, I've had a rough week. It started with a near miss accident, which I wrote about, here. As a result, all my symptoms of C-PTSD flared up, which I wrote about, here . So, understandably, I was already feeling tender when later this week, I started a new job. I work in an extremely competitive field, and my colleagues are all brilliant, highly respected, and accomplished people. So, you know, no pressure to fit in. Blerg. I am not worried about the work. I'm more than qualified to be there. I'm worried about how sensitive I am.  By reverse-engineering how I relate to the world over the last year or so, I feel particularly raw and vulnerable. I don't want to fall into my old ways of overachieving to prove myself to some uncaring, never satisfied, construct in my brain. I want to be real. But, being real right now comes with a lot of anxiety. Having to prove myself to others comes with a lot of traumatic emotional memories that I'm in the process of unraveling...

From a very young age, I learned how to take care of myself, physically and emotionally. I had to, because no one else was going to do it. I have early infant-toddler memories of being raged at if I cried for any reason, but the reason usually being that I was left alone for hours, cold, wet, and hungry. I eventually learned that if anyone was going to soothe me, it had to be me. Instead of my parents, I bonded to my blanket and my cat, because they were what helped me calm down. I started to cook and do dishes while standing on a step stool when I was five. As a young child, I was expected to do all the housework, and I did. Starting in first grade, I walked home from school, let myself in to an empty house, and did my homework while avoiding my abusive brother. I was expected to do well in school, and I did, completely and entirely on my own, without even so much as a "What are you working on?" from either parent. I essentially raised myself. And I did a pretty good job,...