I Have Something To Say

When I was a child, I had no tools or language to understand the abuse that was happening to me. What I did know was that I was constantly misunderstood. My parents often accused me of doing things I never did and punished me for not doing things that were not mine to be done. I didn't know what projection was, but I was constantly accused of having malicious intent when there was none. In order to survive, I stuffed my anger and made sure to never even think a cross thought about my abusers. I attempted to be perfect, which is, of course, impossible. I became hypervigilent in anticipating the needs of others. I became the cheerful servant, like Cinderella, daydreaming about a kinder and gentler world. Also like Cinderella, I didn't understand why, in spite of all my best efforts, my family hated me so much. I thought it was some flaw of mine that I was so misunderstood. When I grew older, I tried in vain to communicate with my abusers. I honed all the skills to write and ...

Since writing more about the abuse I experienced and its subsequent long-term effects, friends and acquaintances tend to respond in a couple of ways. Some will comment on my "braveness." Speaking up is a life-changing milestone in my healing and recovery. It requires a lot of courage to do so, for a wide range of reasons. But I don't feel courage. I feel terror. Yes, I chose to make the leap, but I also knew that I had to. I  leapt from a collapsing building. Out of necessity, I am doing this grand experiment of deprogramming everything I learned from my abusers and reprogramming my subconscious thoughts. I can no longer live with those old thoughts. They've infested me for too long. Now that I am committed to the task, I make new daily discoveries of the extensive damage. The more progress I make, the more I realize how much farther I have to go. Yaaay.  It's like living with termites. Your house can go infested for years, until one day, poof! The support ...

As an abuse survivor who struggles with complex trauma, I must limit how much I engage with the inescapable political frenzies that consume the cultural landscape. Like many other survivors, the idea that anyone could set aside reason to vote for a sexual predator stirs up a deep reservoir of physical, emotional, and psychological distress for me. I know first hand what the excuses sound like, and I have zero interest in entertaining them. I have written before how those who enable abuse are often worse than their abusers. I despise enablers. As a survivor, I process more traumatic fallout from the enablers than from the abuse itself.  That said, I want to address why it's important that white female voters do not become the political scapegoats for the actions of predatory white male politicians. Last night's election in which Doug Jones defeated Roy Moore, largely due to the voter turnout of black men and women who voted over 96% in favor of Jones, was a win for everyon...

One of the best ways to spot a toxic person is to confront them about their behavior when you've been hurt. Toxic people will immediately act more hurt than you. They will almost always overreact and become extremely defensive at the slightest suggestion they did something wrong or malicious. They will feign shock  that you would ever suggest they do anything to hurt you. Not only will they minimize and deny any wrongdoing, they will twist the situation around to make you feel ashamed and guilty, hyper-focusing on a more "important" problem: their own bruised ego. How could you  ever  suspect them of doing such a horrible thing?! Bonus points if they need smelling salts after fainting from their perfectly executed melodrama.  The histrionics and high drama are a deflection from the truth. Yes, they meant to hurt you. No, they won't ever admit it, and yes, they will make your life a living hell if you try to hold them accountable for their own bad behavior....

Holiday season is a difficult time for many abuse survivors, especially if their abusers are family members. Even survivors who have gone No Contact can be quickly overwhelmed by the social pressures of the holidays. They are surrounded by advertisements of happy families in sweaters, beaming at each other while they pass the gravy, and serving as a too-painful reminder of what the survivor never had. Everyday small talk turns to whether they are going home for the holidays, which almost always guarantees an awkward conversation. The constant reminder of what a family "should" be causes many, including me, to re-process through the stages of grief this time every year. For those who have not gone No Contact with toxic family members, there is the added tension and anxiety of having to manage the inevitable confrontations. The pressure to "be nice" around toxic people during the holidays becomes magnified as many abuse survivors are trained to absorb the toxic e...

There is a narcissist in the White House, and we are all in grave danger. From Dr. John Gardner's Duty to Warn to several Ivy League psychiatry professors' recent call to remove him from office , mental health professionals are speaking out. But is it too late? As someone who was raised by abusive, narcissistic parents, the problem is obvious to me. But it breaks my heart to see so many "Good Americans" continue to enable and make excuses for this horrible man. Manipulation tactics and cognitive distortions are no stranger to politics, but with a narcissist in the white house, these toxic forms of control are magnified and elevated as the new normal. Education is necessary to recognize and disarm narcissists, sociopaths, and other people with Cluster B personality disorders. They are, by definition, toxic and abusive people. It is common for their unsuspecting victims to walk right into their traps because they simply thought it was possible to reason with t...

They see themselves as good people. Conflict makes them uncomfortable. They don't want to get involved. They fear losing friends and family. They wish everyone would just get along. They are the silent complicit, and they are as toxic as the overt abusers they enable. In many ways, they are worse. They claim to be your friend. They claim to care. They are in every workplace, school, grocery store, and public place. When abuse happens right in front of their face, they fail to recognize it. They don't understand why you are upset. They make lame excuses, often in the form of platitudes. "There are two sides to every story." "Give him the benefit of the doubt." "Time heals all wounds." "Let's not jump to conclusions." "Prayer solves everything." The silent complicit would much rather believe the lie that nothing is wrong than to admit the truth. Some choose to do this out of sheer laziness. Admitting something is wron...

I have a unique and diverse perspective on spirituality, religion, and faith due to my own eclectic spiritual background. For the record, I consider myself a devout Christian of the Roman Catholic tradition. I have been a "born again" Christian and experienced the worlds of protestant non-denominational churches, church plants, evangelical churches, and charismatic churches, among others. Prior to my Christian life, I was involved in many other "new age" type spiritual practices. I have also witnessed spiritual abuse in many forms, from every group I've belonged to. Here is yet another attempt to condense my thoughts on an impossibly large subject. The other title for this blog post could be "Clichéd Concepts about Faith and Healing That Sound Religious but Really Aren't." I am involved in my church, and I believe in raising my children in the context of faith. However, as a survivor of abuse, quite often what I hear in the homily or in passi...

One of the most overused platitudes I hear in response to toxic parents is that they must have meant well, or they were only doing the best they could. This is a terrible thing to say to a survivor of child abuse. It's false and damaging to the victim, because it implies a false projection that their toxic parent had good intentions. Some people are not doing the best they can. Some, because of personality disorders, choose to harm and destroy their victims. Some people lack empathy, and have no intention of improving their behavior. They would prefer to make scapegoats out of others than take responsibility for their actions.  I am a mom, and I get why people say it. I too would like to believe that I am always trying to do my best. But here's the thing. Sometimes, I'm not. Sometimes, I can do better. As someone recovering from complex childhood trauma, I can be distracted. I can be upset about things that aren't in my present environment. I can be on edge, and ...

Psst. I have a superpower. And maybe you do, too. There are many long term, far-reaching, negative effects that children of toxic parents endure, from physical health problems to emotional and social issues. Children of emotionally abusive parents often have the hardest recovery because it is so difficult to de-program all the negative feedback they received from their toxic parents. As adults, they must retrain their brains how to think, and it's extremely challenging for a victim of abuse to even recognize how the negative feedback they received from their abusive parent has turned into their own negative self-talk. Recovery feels counter-intuitive, because their identity is formed in lies: "I'm worthless." "I'm bad." "Nobody could love someone like me." "No one cares." "I'm a screw up." "I'm permanently damaged." "I'm hopeless." Children who live in toxic environments in which they a...

Victims do it. Abusers do it. Regular people do it without even realizing it. All too often in abusive situations, all the attention goes to protecting the abuser and blaming the victim. For most of my life, I absorbed the responsibility for my abuse. I did it because at a young, formative age, I was taught to do it. As a child, I had no other option but to accept that my parents' bad behavior was my fault. Their failure to treat me with love and respect was my fault. When I was sexually abused, I internalized that I was the one who was wrong and bad for what happened. I dutifully kept secrets for my abusers because I was used to doing it, and because I correctly believed I would be the one punished if I said anything. When I did finally stand up to the abuse and escape my toxic family, I was scapegoated. When I went no contact, I still felt guilty about it. Even today, it is difficult for me to separate understanding my abusers from excusing them. I've been putting off ...

When the subject of my abusive past comes up, the surprised response I most often hear from others who have known me for a while is, "But you're so normal!" There are a lot of different ways of coping with abuse. For me, I thought I could perform and please my way out of it. I was the responsible one. I was the one who appeared to have it all together. People who knew me in high school would say things like, "But you seemed happy!" Yes, I was smiling. I was even bubbly. And I was also coping with narcissistic, emotional, sexual, and spiritual abuse. Outward behavior does not always indicate the inner life. For me, appearing to look normal and happy were necessary for survival. But it was also those coping skills that made me put off seeking a deeper level of help for my wounds. For me, admitting that what happened was not OK, that I was not OK, was extremely difficult and scary. I didn't want to admit that I was abused, because I felt that meant on so...

As a survivor of abuse, I've always known I have an over developed sense of responsibility. My narcissistic parents made sure they were never at fault for their actions, and that I was somehow required to carry that burden for them. A sense of responsibility and independence carried me through adolescence, and ended up being a positive characteristic that allowed me to accomplish quite a bit. However, this over-developed sense of responsibility also eats at me. I become anxious and hypervigilant because it's hard to shake the feeling, even being aware of where it comes from. I continue to struggle with internalizing things that aren't my fault. I am realizing just how much effort I've exerted over the years to make sure I could not be blamed for something going wrong. It stems from an experience of being blamed for everything anyway. Even if it's not my job, I will make sure it gets done. If someone is unhappy, I will make sure I do everything in my power to plea...

You know what really pisses me off? Trolls. Trolls are abusers who hide behind computer screens and tear people down. They lurk in the comments sections, ready to pounce, waiting for someone to point out their fallacies so they can attack. Ugh, I hate bullies. I really hate them. And I really hate watching them get away with it. In the past, when I saw a troll I would disengage and slip out of whatever dust cloud they were trying to stir up. As someone who has a low tolerance threshold for assholes, this was probably a good idea. But now that I've unlocked some of my anger, it's time to fight back. Of course, engaging in any kind of reasonable argument is futile and crazy-making. However, I decided that for one day, I'm going to indulge myself. For one day, I'm going to troll the trolls. Whenever some troll attacks or acts in an abusive way, I'll post memes about abuse. I'll attach the definitions for gaslighting and word salad. I'll poke holes in the...

I thought I would update you all on my Hate Couch progress. If you haven't read the background about Hate Couch yet, you can do so here and here . I decided that I would chip away at it, literally, and take my time dismantling it. In the same way I am processing thousands of instances in which I was attacked, demeaned, belittled, oppressed, lied to, manipulated, and silenced, I've had multiple opportunities to whack away at it, given whatever has come up. It allows me to focus and connect whatever present situation ignites my anger and link it to original threat. The thing about processing trauma is that you never know exactly how or in what way it will hit you. I'm currently going through a season where a lot of my pent up, completely justified anger is allowed to surface. Some of it is stuff I have never allowed myself to feel. When a child is traumatized and has no outlet, it does funny things to the brain. The brain locks the trauma away until the child feels "s...

After years of dysfunction and abuse, my alcoholic, narcissistic father and my enabling, codependent mother divorced. I was in college at the time. My mother hid behind "staying together for the children," even though we didn't want her to. I suppose she couldn't use that excuse any more when we weren't there. When she left him the first time, my father called me, upset. He didn't see it coming. He insisted it was completely out of the blue and without reason. Ha. During the first time they were separated, I was attending a school that I knew I needed to leave. I made plans to move back to my home state and transfer to an in-state university, though it meant having to move back in with my mom for a short time. I had some hope it might not be too bad since she was finally facing some reality and had left my father. About a week before I was due to arrive, she moved back in with him. It was awful. Worse than when I had left the first time, and I had grad...

  I was in a meeting where a mediator was trying her best to stay impartial to a situation where a large volume of well-documented verbal and emotional abuse had occurred. She was a trained professional, but professionally speaking, she didn't want to be in a position to take sides on the issue. She offered the worn-out platitude, "Well, there are two sides to every story..." I let it slide the first time she said it, but when she said it again, I stopped her. "Actually, when it comes to abuse, there are not two sides. There is abuse, and there is the recipient of abuse. The recipient of abuse is not at fault for the actions of the abuser." Her jaw dropped a moment, then she nodded slowly. She knew I was right, and in this moment, a light went on. The situation she was mediating was not about two people having a disagreement. It was about a serial abuser attacking someone else who had done nothing to provoke the attack. She couldn't stay impartial. It ...

As I reveal yet another aspect of abuse that I previously kept hidden, my mind and body take a while to recover. Last week, publishing a few details about sexual abuse for the first time, I was in my kitchen making breakfast when I suddenly burst into tears. My whole body shook. The information is not new to me, but it would be new to some others. Most of the people who read my blog don't know me, but when I think of the ones who do, I re-experience the trauma through their eyes. It hurts to reveal something that had been previously pushed aside. When all of the emotion that had been previously denied is now allowed to come to surface to be felt, it can be overwhelming. I think this is why so many people choose to live in denial of abuse for so long. On some level they know how much it will hurt them to acknowledge the depth of those feelings. Another reason people choose not to disclose abuse is a fear of retaliation. For many, retaliation is legitimate concern, and it is n...

I have a strong memory. I always have. I remember going to Disneyland when I was two years old. It was December. We were sitting  in the parking lot, in our RV, eating breakfast and looking toward the park as the sun came up. I was anticipating the rides, and whether they would be scary. At the park, the first ride was the Matterhorn, and when the yeti jumped out at me, I was terrified. Later, we rode the Pirates of the Caribbean, where my dad told me the pirates were real. The idea that those drunken pirates could jump down and grab me at any moment was scarier than the Matterhorn. I remember my dad laughing while I panicked. I also remember thinking that I should be grateful for the trip, so I was. It was one of the only memories I have from my childhood where we did something kid-related. In my family, every activity revolved around my dad's interests and hobbies. Even though some scary things happened that day, I filed the memories under "good." It was only later t...

Since making my abuse known to the public, I have received a wide range of responses, from dead silence from close friends to private and public encouragement from acquaintances and unknown fellow survivors. I expected the range, and I was curious to see who would choose to step up and who would choose to slink away. There are two kinds of people who do not support victims of abuse. The first are abusers. These people must keep their own mask on at all times and make sure everyone thinks it's the victim's fault. These are deranged people who need help. It's imperative that they are to be avoided, especially during recovery. But sadly, abusers are everywhere. The second kind who do not support victims of abuse are those who are victims themselves. These people are in denial about the impact of abuse in their own lives, and when someone speaks up about it, their immediate impulse is to shrink, push it away, belittle, cover up, or make general platitudes about it. They...