I Have Something To Say

Abuse survivors are usually wary of new relationships for extremely good reasons that are not their fault. Almost always, the cycle of abuse starts out as something that appears wonderful. The new guy or gal is interested in them. Not only interested, but infatuated. They too-quickly claim they are "the one." They study their target, quick to note all their likes and dislikes, which feels like manna from heaven for someone who has been emotionally neglected. They are quick to become intimate, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Abusers hook their victims fast, always under some romantic guise of "fate" or "true love." Just when the victim believes it's real, the trouble starts. This initial stage of love bombing is how an abuser manipulates their prey into a false attachment. Everyone needs to be seen, heard, loved, and cared for, and this is the ammunition an abuser uses to target their victims. When someone feels loved, they relax. They bond...

One year ago today, I created my very first post, I Have Something To Say.  This was a huge milestone in my recovery for a few reasons. Because of the type of abuse I experienced, I had a huge mental and physical block about speaking up publicly. The knots in my stomach, lumps in my throat and overall panic came from a very real history and experience of being punished for telling the truth. When someone has been silenced and de-humanized from a time before they could even speak, it creates seemingly insurmountable obstacles. Ironically, I have spent much of my adult life learning how to write and express myself in creative ways. And yet, giving a voice to the parts of me that were abused were so blocked, I couldn't admit out loud what happened, let alone write about it directly. Too much misplaced guilt and shame prevented me from integrating my identity as an abuse survivor into my professional life. Sure, bits and pieces leaked out. I would casually mention to friends I tru...

I study a lot of stories, and I am well-versed in the power of inspirational stories to uplift and entertain through shared catharsis. We can learn a lot about our own lives through storytelling. However, there is a big reason why some stories that feature characters who rise above their circumstances go down as all-time classics, and why some fall flat. It's all in how the character handles (or doesn't handle) their trauma. Take Harry Potter, for instance. After his parents died at the hands of evil, he was raised by his aunt and uncle, the epitome of ignorance, hate, abuse, and neglect. When he escapes them by going off to Hogwarts, his experience there is not exactly all happy charms and spells. He narrowly escapes one plight after another until he finally has to battle the one who killed his parents. Harry Potter works because Harry appropriately faces the trauma of his past. He doesn't succeed in spite of it, he succeeds because of it.  He is the ultimate exampl...

As a trauma survivor, some days are more manageable than others. I am learning the long, slow process of better recognizing ways to prevent overwhelm and ways to better care for myself when I am overwhelmed. Even so, sometimes it comes on so fast, I can't deescalate. For me, feelings of stress and anxiety can quickly morph into panic, sometimes without an obvious trigger. It could be triggered from the gradual build up of a stressful week, or it could be triggered simply walking into a noisy room. Sometimes, just the general sense of overwhelm itself can be the trigger to an even more intense emotional flashback. Part of the reason for this is that therapy causes the goal posts to keep moving. I have made a lot of progress. I am re-wiring my brain. I don't relate in the same way to things that previously bothered me. This is all great news, but the reality is that this process of taking all the fuses out of my mental fuse box and rewiring them means there is still much to ...

It's New Year's Eve, and I'm spending it deep cleaning my house. I've been working on "good enough" instead of "perfect" all year, my kitchen and bathroom certainly reflect the achievement. I usually have a Sisyphean outlook about cleaning, given that I have three kids and lack the assistance of Alice from The Brady Bunch.  But I love a good metaphor, and what better metaphor is a thorough house cleaning on the last day of the year? So, this year has been... interesting. I'm not one of those people who declares the whole year to be great nor terrible. I mean, how is that defined, anyway? By fate or free will? I am neither looking forward to 2018 in fear and dread, nor giddy anticipation. There were ups and downs in 2017 and there will be ups and downs in 2018. But on the whole, I felt this was a year of progress. There is something that feels complete about it, other than the date. Perhaps because I feel like this was a year where I met my g...

Writing about the nature of abuse along with my own personal experience of it has been an extremely helpful tool for me to better integrate who I am. For a long time, I distracted myself from going there, knowing full well that when I did, it would be intense. Eventually, that strategy failed and I was left with no other healthy alternative than to face the big, hairy, purple monster head on. When I did face it head on, guess what? It was intense. I had to do a lot of interior work to get to a place where I could be fully honest and present with the full impact of what happened and the damage that was done. In this full embrace I finally allowed myself to grieve on a level I previously thought was "too selfish" (my abusers' words, not mine) to do. I allowed myself to fully acknowledge a range and depth of feeling that was previously inaccessible. The paradox of pain and relief that go with this sort of work often overwhelms me in a way that requires literally all I h...

Recently, I wrote about the ways "It's not that bad" has kept me from owning and validating the true cost of my traumatic past. There have been times I have envied those with physical trauma because they received all the validation and support that was denied me as a survivor of psychological trauma. There are plenty of abuse survivors with far more dramatic stories than mine. Surely, we've all been in situations where someone else's story of calamity and misfortune has humbled us. Ironically, for many, holding on to the misplaced shame that their own story of abuse isn't "good enough" to be validated because more terrible things have happened to others is exactly the trap that keeps us silent and perpetuates the cycle. Acknowledging trauma is about acknowledging one's own perception. It's not something someone else can determine or validate for you. The greatest goal for an abuse survivor is to be able to own what actually happened to t...

Gratitude is popular in self-help and spiritual circles, and it's easy to see why. Grateful people are easy to be around. Gratitude spreads to others and offers perspective. It feels good and puts positivity in the world. It can also be a huge obstacle for those healing from trauma. In this season of my life where I am finally uncovering all of my formerly repressed feelings about my abusive childhood, gratitude is a stumbling block. For most of my life I was shamed into feeling that I "should" be grateful for the material aspects of my middle class childhood, in spite of the obvious but unspoken lack of love or understanding. The pressure to be grateful kept me away from the more painful and real feelings of grief, anger, and abandonment. Gratitude was one more brick on the pile that kept all of the secrets of abuse in place. It was yet more more thing that made me feel like being who I am, as I am, isn't enough. The thing is, most people I know who have survi...

After many years of carrying the emotional burden of narcissistic abuse, it's no wonder I am often debilitated with frequent neck and shoulder aches and migraines. I know where they come from. I know why I get them. I've lived with them most of my life. My vision blurs. Sometimes, like right now, every sound stabs my ears. Sometimes, I even get "abdominal migraines" when the stabs move to my gut. It's a not a normal pain, but it is a familiar pain. There are, of course, many things I do to try to prevent, manage, and heal the pain. A strict diet, therapy, kind self-talk, stretching, caffeine, whimpering into my pillow, etc. When the pain reaches a certain level, there is no pill or bargain for my eternal soul that will make it go away. I just have to wait it out. The headache I have today is actually a result of something moving in therapy- one of those great worse-before-it-gets-better deals. This familiar pain is in so many ways a metaphor for the kind of...

Today I celebrate my 100th post on I Have Something to Say. I started this blog only six months ago as a way to reclaim my own voice, and to sort out my thoughts as I heal from the long term effects of childhood trauma. Like many others, I was coerced into silence by my abusers. The terror that raised me remained more present in my life than my parents ever were. I started this project because, for me, it was the best way to face my fear. In order to break old ties, I needed to make a public declaration. I was abused. Today I celebrate not only my own journey, but all of those who have read my posts and resonated with them. Abuse thrives in silence. It loses its power the more people call it out. 100 Reasons it's Important to Speak Up: You will reclaim your voice. You will reclaim your power. You will reclaim your indentity.  You will feel better. You will face your fears. You will inspire others.  You will inspire yourself.  You will make it easier to spe...

One of the most common non-helpful responses to someone suffering from the fallout of abuse is to push the victim toward forgiveness too soon. Usually it's coupled with some form of shame that the victim "should" feel something other than whatever she is feeling. Sometimes, it's coupled with well-meaning platitudes- "It's the Christian thing to do." It's offered as the fix-all solution to help her "set it aside," "snap out of it," and "move on." Here's the thing. Pressuring people to forgive prematurely only prolongs the healing process. The only way to fully process what happened is for the victim to feel her feelings, whatever they may be. People who have been psychologically abused by narcissists and other dark triad personalities have been brainwashed into all kinds of shame-based falsities that their thoughts, feelings, ideas, and opinions don't matter. Essentially, they were taught to believe that they...

Today, I am celebrating my blog's six month anniversary. In the last six months, I've written almost 100 posts (this is #96). I've also gained a new community of amazing supporters. I've have received several notes over the months from those who can relate, and those who have shared my blog to help a friend. I am deeply grateful. When I started this project, it was an important step in my own recovery. Making a public declaration about my abuse was perhaps the scariest thing I could do. It was also the most life-giving thing I could do. While my rational brain knew that it was important to speak up, my subconscious was absolutely terrified. Fear had paralyzed me for so long, reclaiming my own voice and my own experience was essential in releasing the power my abusers had over me. I had to combat the fear that my abusers would jump out of the shadows at any moment, and, by any means possible, find a way to make me shut up. I'm sure anyone who has been abused c...

I imagine most of my posts this week will be about processing the almost-crash we experienced, here . I've been doing my best to manage things as they come up, and I am realizing just how much extra time and space I need to allow myself right now. The tension, exhaustion, and nightmares are back. I feel like much of the progress I've made in recent months dealing with the realities of complex trauma have vanished and I'm back to where I was when I started. It feels like a setback, but I'm trying to see it as an opportunity to better understand how to better care for myself. In many ways, re-experiencing these symptoms is an indicator of growth, and I know by honoring the process, I will heal. But I also know that a big part of that healing is acknowledging where I'm at. It's not helpful to pretend to be mentally tough and pull myself together. Healing lies in acknowledging that what happened was scary, and allowing myself to feel that. My ego would so much ...

*If you would like to read parts one, two, and three about hate couch, go here , here , and here . I was talking to my husband the other day about hate couch, and how I feel I am ready to let it go. It has been sitting in our garage the last couple months, with the usual garage clutter accumulating on top of it. My husband told me the largest black window spider he's ever seen had taken up residence on it, which seemed to me to be an appropriate metaphorical home, but still. There are some things in this world I hope not to invite closer in to my life. Hate couch's transformation into its dismantled state has served as a reminder of my own transformation. Every part of transformation is important and necessary, from start to finish. I felt it was important to not be in a hurry to jump ahead to the resolution and get rid of hate couch too soon. It's my way of honoring and validating each stage of the journey. But it's time. So today, I went out to the garage to star...

I have survived quite a bit, and on most days, my resilience and adaptability are strengths, not weaknesses. But there was something about my resilience that made me feel like a fraud. Even though I did survive terrible things, and even though I did turn as much of my life as possible into something positive and productive, something in the background was nagging at me. My accomplishments felt empty. Even though there was obvious fruit from decisions I made to shut abusers out of my life, I still felt on some level like I didn't deserve to enjoy a good life. This nagging feeling was what eventually lead me down a deeper path of self-reflection and healing. Even though I knew all the facts of what emotional and narcissistic abuse was, I never felt comfortable fully embracing that I was, in fact, abused. I lived in a wasteland between the lie that I was somehow responsible for what happened to me and the horrible truth of what really happened. Resilience felt like a mask. Even...

"Well, admitting that I was abused emotionally, psychologically, sexually, and spiritually was healthy and important for a season, but I want to be done now. I'd like to go back to being myself again. You know, disconnected and ignorant of the real impact all this had on me. I'd like to move on now, as if it never happened." Lately I've been having thoughts along the lines of this. A couple years ago, I started making major adjustments to my life so that I could free up more time to deal with myself. Originally, it was involuntary. I got sick, and subsequently had to scale way back. As I went down the path of healing, I decided to strip more and more out of my schedule. The more I uncovered, the more I needed to make room to grieve and heal. While I do feel like I am experiencing major shifts in how I relate to my trauma, I also know it is far from over. Sometimes it feels like an eternal sentence, where I am destined to don my perpetual sackcloth and ashes. ...

Complex trauma is like an impressionistic painting. Up close, it's a bunch of tiny brush strokes, a jumble of dots and colors. It doesn't look like anything, just stuff, seemingly unrelated. It's not until a person takes several steps back to look again that the whole picture emerges. At least, that's how it was for me. For many years, I felt "off" but couldn't pinpoint why. I was aware that I had a difficult childhood, and that my family was atypical in their dysfunction, but I also thought I had moved on. My issues were a jumble of seemingly unrelated dots. Of course now looking back, it all makes sense. I wish I had started this work so much sooner. Putting the past behind me and moving on ended up prolonging my healing. I had buried the trauma deep in my psyche. Now, many years later, it's a major excavation. Moving on is not the same as healing, but it might be the stepping stone to help get someone to a place where they can do the work. Ev...

Dear Younger Self, Trust your instincts. Your frustrations are proof that something is wrong. The knot of anxiety in your stomach is not normal. You should not have to dread going home. You should not have to live a life surrounded by their walls of negativity. You should not have to worry what kind of mood they will be in. You should not have to endure anyone else's rage. You should not be expected to stay silent in the face of constant criticism. No, you are not being over-dramatic. Yes, it really is that bad. There is nothing you can do to make them love you. There is nothing you can do to make them understand your point of view. There is nothing you can do to make them change. If there was, you would have done it by now, because all you want is peace. In spite of what they tell you, your behavior, good or bad, is not causing their rage and neglect. There is nothing wrong with your emotions. It is normal to feel angry when people are hurting you. It is normal to feel s...

Wherever there is wi-fi, there are people inundated with too much. Too much information coming in, too much to do, too much to respond to, too much to process. Then there's all the real life stuff, like earning a living, raising a family, and staying connected to friends. We live in a paradox, where we no longer spend our days gathering and preparing food to survive, yet our lives have become so full and complicated, it can overwhelm even the most steadfast among us. We are barely surviving. I am barely surviving. Like everyone else with a family, mortgage, and career, I was too busy. In the last couple years, I also attended graduate school, published a book, ran a small business, remodeled a house... you get it. I was legitimately busy, but my busyness was not enough for me. Instead of focusing on the accomplishment of starting a business from scratch, I focused on the stress and shame that I wasn't making enough money. In spite of the fact that I had a home-cooked meal ...

When the subject of my abusive past comes up, the surprised response I most often hear from others who have known me for a while is, "But you're so normal!" There are a lot of different ways of coping with abuse. For me, I thought I could perform and please my way out of it. I was the responsible one. I was the one who appeared to have it all together. People who knew me in high school would say things like, "But you seemed happy!" Yes, I was smiling. I was even bubbly. And I was also coping with narcissistic, emotional, sexual, and spiritual abuse. Outward behavior does not always indicate the inner life. For me, appearing to look normal and happy were necessary for survival. But it was also those coping skills that made me put off seeking a deeper level of help for my wounds. For me, admitting that what happened was not OK, that I was not OK, was extremely difficult and scary. I didn't want to admit that I was abused, because I felt that meant on so...