I Have Something To Say

Recently, Arc of Hope , an (excellent) child abuse recovery and support network on Twitter added me to a list titled "Abused Kids/ Child Abuse Victim Army." Seeing myself associated with being a victim of child abuse sent a shock through my body. It might sound weird, but it felt like a new revelation. Now, one might think that someone with the Twitter handle @AbuseSurvior, having over 10 years of no contact with her abusers, who has been been blogging about the nature of abuse for several months now, with scores of posts and a steadily growing audience might be used to the idea by now that she was abused. But seeing this struck me in a new and different way. Here's why. It was external validation, by people who "get it," that it really happened. Growing up, not only was there no one else to validate that the emotional, psychological, spiritual, and sexual abuse happened, but the very nature of the abuse meant that I was brainwashed into doubting my own f...

I was the scapegoat in my family, and my older brother was the golden child. According to my abusive parents, he could do no wrong, and I could do no right. We were often pitted against each other, as narcissists tend to do with their children. My brother beat me up daily after school, and when I told my mom about it, she shrugged and made it my fault. If he complained about me, she immediately took his side and I was punished. My father alternately ignored or raged at both of us, but my mother made it abundantly clear that my brother was the favored one. She fawned over him like she fawned over my narcissistic father. In her world, males were to be enabled and blindly followed, and females, well, were in the way. To them, I was the "annoying" one when I spoke up about things that weren't normal. I was the "over-emotional" one when I reacted to things that were not normal. I was the "rebellious" one when I challenged things that were not normal. ...

There is a narcissist in the White House, and we are all in grave danger. From Dr. John Gardner's Duty to Warn to several Ivy League psychiatry professors' recent call to remove him from office , mental health professionals are speaking out. But is it too late? As someone who was raised by abusive, narcissistic parents, the problem is obvious to me. But it breaks my heart to see so many "Good Americans" continue to enable and make excuses for this horrible man. Manipulation tactics and cognitive distortions are no stranger to politics, but with a narcissist in the white house, these toxic forms of control are magnified and elevated as the new normal. Education is necessary to recognize and disarm narcissists, sociopaths, and other people with Cluster B personality disorders. They are, by definition, toxic and abusive people. It is common for their unsuspecting victims to walk right into their traps because they simply thought it was possible to reason with t...

One of the most overused platitudes I hear in response to toxic parents is that they must have meant well, or they were only doing the best they could. This is a terrible thing to say to a survivor of child abuse. It's false and damaging to the victim, because it implies a false projection that their toxic parent had good intentions. Some people are not doing the best they can. Some, because of personality disorders, choose to harm and destroy their victims. Some people lack empathy, and have no intention of improving their behavior. They would prefer to make scapegoats out of others than take responsibility for their actions.  I am a mom, and I get why people say it. I too would like to believe that I am always trying to do my best. But here's the thing. Sometimes, I'm not. Sometimes, I can do better. As someone recovering from complex childhood trauma, I can be distracted. I can be upset about things that aren't in my present environment. I can be on edge, and ...

Act I One could do no right; One could do no wrong. Mom assigned the roles; Dad agreed on parts. They both knew their lines; Angel and Demon. Triangled siblings; equidistant truth. Act II Angel goes on stage; plays to the rapt house. Flowers, cheers, and praise; 'Bravo! Well done, child.' Demon goes on next; but forgets her wail. Never gets it right; always doomed to fail. Act III 'Try harder,' Mom says; 'You make me look bad'. Demon asks to switch; shocked Mom spits, enraged. Angel points and sneers; you will never be me. Forever entwined; the foil for the spoiled. Act IV At last, Demon flees; unmasked, she feels strange. What is this feeling? Is this self-esteem? Angel's thoughts disturb him; Don't they all love me? Where's my attention? Must be Demon's fault. Act V Mom dies, Angel there; Demon breathes relief. Dad dies, Angel there; Demon breathes relief. Angel cries, 'Where were you?' Demon stands straig...