I Have Something To Say

I mentor a group of young adults, and was recently handling a situation where another mentor systematically tore down much of the esteem I had spent several weeks helping them build up. Her reasoning for doing this was to "toughen them up" and get them ready for "the real world." When asked her why she would purposely disparage young people just starting to grasp on to their own ideas, her response was, "Well, that's just the way the world is." No. That's the way narcissistic abuse is. Fear-based tactics do not work, and they especially have no place in any sort of system where one person holds authority over another. When a mentor shoots down the ideas of a mentee, it creates a false dependence on the mentor's "right" ideas. The mentee then feels a false insecurity about their own "wrong" ideas. Not only is this terrible teaching, this is extremely dangerous territory for anyone who has experienced narcissistic abuse...

I've been thinking a lot lately about how we think. I have always been one to challenge the status quo, a habit I picked up from not going along with my abusers' bullshit. I've always been able to see situations from different perspectives, another trait developed as a result of abuse. In my critical thinking classes in college, I wanted to shout "Amen!" after every lecture. My favorite word to insert into every one of my English essays was "fallacy." I've fought back against brainwashing since birth, so sometimes it surprises me when someone falls for a glaringly obvious lie. Take "fake news," for example. It's the quintessential manipulative bait and switch of our time.  Yes, there is "fake news" and it is a problem, but the ones purposely generating it are also the ones who coined the term and projected it onto the legitimate news outlets. I mentioned to someone recently how the most important classes students can take...

Recently I shared an op-ed on social media calling out a celebrity who had a history of untoward behavior and had sexually harassed the author of the op-ed when she was underage. Right away, a friend came to the defense of the accused, claiming she worked with him on a project. He was nice to her, so therefore he can't be a creep. The author's probably lying. After a long facepalm, I took a breath, and responded to my friend. " I encourage you to reconsider that the person you worked with could be as {the author} describes. I don't know him at all and I've never met {the accused}, but I do know a lot about the nature of abuse. When someone speaks up about sexual abuse, odds are over 90% they are telling the truth. Abusers don't usually sit around twirling their mustaches. They are often charming people much of the time. I know someone who was babysat by the Manson family. They were good babysitters and she wasn't harmed, but her experience of ...

My mother was obsessed with them, but I never figured out who they were. For a while, I thought maybe they were the neighbors, but that didn't make sense. Other than waving hello as we passed by, we weren't really friends with our neighbors. We didn't know each other any more than what was said over appetizers and small talk at the block party. Could their opinion of us matter that much to my mom? What would we miss out on if the neighbors knew? Patty's signature 9x13 dish of seven layer dip? Then I thought, maybe they were our extended family. Most of them lived out of town, and it seemed my mom wasn't really in touch with them, save the annual Christmas letter. The ones nearby we saw two or three times a year on holidays. Like the neighbors, most of the gatherings involved small talk and dip. I would give each relative a hug hello and a hug goodbye, along with the obligatory reminder of what grade I'm in now. Other than that, I don't recall anyone i...

There is a narcissist in the White House, and we are all in grave danger. From Dr. John Gardner's Duty to Warn to several Ivy League psychiatry professors' recent call to remove him from office , mental health professionals are speaking out. But is it too late? As someone who was raised by abusive, narcissistic parents, the problem is obvious to me. But it breaks my heart to see so many "Good Americans" continue to enable and make excuses for this horrible man. Manipulation tactics and cognitive distortions are no stranger to politics, but with a narcissist in the white house, these toxic forms of control are magnified and elevated as the new normal. Education is necessary to recognize and disarm narcissists, sociopaths, and other people with Cluster B personality disorders. They are, by definition, toxic and abusive people. It is common for their unsuspecting victims to walk right into their traps because they simply thought it was possible to reason with t...

I spent many years absorbing the blame for my abusive family, and exhausted every possible avenue of attempting to "get along" with them. When I finally went no contact, it took another ten years to feel safe enough to fully embrace my past and grieve. Even though I thought I had done quite a bit of work along the way, it has taken an entire lifetime for me to come to terms with certain aspects of the abuse. Some memories were locked away, some were buried under misplaced guilt and shame. Some were minimized so much, it seemed almost normal. I was fortunate in the sense that most of my adult years were spent acknowledging that the events in my childhood were not right, and I went no contact even before I fully understood how important it was to do so. I just knew I needed to do it for my own sanity. But for me, it's far from over, and in many ways, I feel I am just beginning the work.   Healing from childhood trauma is possible, but survivors need the right environm...

I am naturally inclined to look at a topic from every angle in order to find the truth in it. Empathy and understanding have always been strengths, most likely developed out of a need to survive my toxic, abusive, narcissistic parents. I've always wondered why some people have such a hard time seeing other points of view. This question is the fallout from being raised by narcissists whom I knew and understood very well, but never bothered to know me. I've noticed there is a correlation between absolute thinkers and abusers. Abusive people have to be right. They will destroy anything or anyone who challenges what they believe is right. And what many abusers believe is right is black and white thinking. Abusers make sweeping statements about people and ideas, like, "Homosexuality is a disorder." "All Muslims are terrorists." "Liberals are pussies." You get the idea. They are the Archie Bunkers among us. Black and white thinkers seem to enjoy m...