What My Friend, The Bigot, Taught Me

I used to think that my ability to get along and make peace with people who offered a multitude of varying viewpoints and perspectives was correct and admirable. I was wrong.

What changed it for me was going to intensive therapy for complex trauma stemming from childhood narcissistic, emotional, and sexual abuse. You see, rather than directly call out a bigoted friend, I thought I could try to win them over gently and influence them toward a more moderate viewpoint. Of course, that never happened.

As an abuse survivor, I often inadvertently put myself in the position I was most comfortable with: the mediator. Growing up, my method of survival was to be as non-reactionary as possible when crazy people shouted mean things at each other. My ability to see multiple perspectives and have empathy for others translated to being stuck, not wanting to inflame anyone who was out of control. When I became an adult, I tried to apply that same strategy in situations where verbally abusive people demanded to have their way. The end result was a shit ton of anxiety and stress for me, and a wake of destruction left by the unrepentant abuser.

When someone is acting in a bigoted way, the only response is to expose their behavior. Call it out directly. If the person is a narcissist, psychopath, or has some other Cluster B personality disorder, expect to be attacked for doing this. If not, calling out their bad behavior in a direct and firm way might be the wake up call they need to change. If anything, it communicates what is right, good, and true to others.

As someone who still feels anxious about direct confrontation, I have learned that it is not only important for to do so out of justice, it is also important for my mental health. Every time I draw a clear boundary and confront someone more directly, I gain back a small piece of who I really am. I can reclaim the word no. I don't have to behave like my abusers. I can confront in a calm, controlled, and even kind way. If someone attacks me for putting up a boundary, that's their problem, not mine.

Of course, this has meant closing the door on friendships I cared about. By saying no to my bigoted former friends, I have said yes to myself, and I have said yes to the peaceful, kind, considerate life I want.

Comments

The Difference Between Trauma and Anxiety

I've been living with the effects of complex trauma for a long time, but for many years I didn't know what it was. Off and on throughout my life, I've struggled with what I thought was anxiety and depression. Or rather, In addition to being traumatized, I was anxious and depressed. All mental health is a serious matter, and should never be minimized. If you are feeling anxious or depressed, it's important and urgent to find the right support for you. No one gets a prize for "worst" depression, anxiety, trauma or any other combination of terrible things to deal with, and no one should suffer alone. With that in mind, there is a difference between what someone who has CPTSD feels and what someone with generalized anxiety or mild to moderate depression feels. For someone dealing with complex trauma, the anxiety they feel does not come from some mysterious unknown source or obsessing about what could happen. For many, the anxiety they feel is not rational...

No, There Are Not Two Sides

I was in a meeting where a mediator was trying her best to stay impartial to a situation where a large volume of well-documented verbal and emotional abuse had occurred. She was a trained professional, but professionally speaking, she didn't want to be in a position to take sides on the issue. She offered the worn-out platitude, "Well, there are two sides to every story..." I let it slide the first time she said it, but when she said it again, I stopped her. "Actually, when it comes to abuse, there are not two sides. There is abuse, and there is the recipient of abuse. The recipient of abuse is not at fault for the actions of the abuser." Her jaw dropped a moment, then she nodded slowly. She knew I was right, and in this moment, a light went on. The situation she was mediating was not about two people having a disagreement. It was about a serial abuser attacking someone else who had done nothing to provoke the attack. She couldn't stay impartial. It ...

Why Psychological Trauma is More Damaging Than Physical Trauma

You were lied to on the playground. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Neuroscientists and psychologists have proven in spades that words hurt most of all. But first, let's establish that abuse of any kind is horrible, heinous, and deserving of attention and care. The impact of physical trauma ought never be minimized in order to shine a light on psychological trauma. Not only is all trauma valid, all perceptions of trauma are valid. Two people can experience the same event and have drastically different outcomes. One's experience isn't more or less valid than another. If it hurts, seek help. Physical trauma is visceral. There is hard, objective evidence of abuse. Most people don't question its validity. It's cut and dry. "If he hits you, you should leave." If you are beaten or shot in a senseless crime, no one will try to convince you it didn't really happen. Children who are physically abused are ...

I Have Something To Say

Search This Blog