Skip to main content

What I Deserve


I have survived quite a bit, and on most days, my resilience and adaptability are strengths, not weaknesses. But there was something about my resilience that made me feel like a fraud. Even though I did survive terrible things, and even though I did turn as much of my life as possible into something positive and productive, something in the background was nagging at me. My accomplishments felt empty. Even though there was obvious fruit from decisions I made to shut abusers out of my life, I still felt on some level like I didn't deserve to enjoy a good life.

This nagging feeling was what eventually lead me down a deeper path of self-reflection and healing. Even though I knew all the facts of what emotional and narcissistic abuse was, I never felt comfortable fully embracing that I was, in fact, abused. I lived in a wasteland between the lie that I was somehow responsible for what happened to me and the horrible truth of what really happened.

Resilience felt like a mask. Even though on the outside, I carried myself as a generally positive person, I was constantly on the defense. I was constantly reading people to see if/how/when they might hurt me. I was constantly preparing Plans B, C, D and E for when Plan A would inevitably go awry at the hands of a toxic person. On some level, I expected people to purposely mess things up for me, punish me, or attack me. I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

This is hypervigilance, and it is a symptom of Complex PTSD derived from trauma. Turns out, I had all the other symptoms, too.

Stepping into the truth meant climbing a mountain of grief. There is never a good time to grieve. It took up every once of time and space that I had. Perhaps that's I why I held out so long. I knew at some point I would have to really deal with things. And yet, I discovered that the only better time to grieve than today is yesterday.

For me I found the truth of what I deserve on the other side of grief. I deserve to be loved. I deserve peace. I deserve family and friends who love me. I deserve joy. I deserve to celebrate the good.

And so I will. 


Labels:

Comments

  1. Lisa MariaAugust 23, 2017 at 10:26 AM

    Yes to all this! I can so relate, especially the waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Claire CappettaFebruary 24, 2018 at 12:09 AM

    Love this, I agree, it's a tough and difficult journey but so worth it

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Difference Between Trauma and Anxiety

I've been living with the effects of complex trauma for a long time, but for many years I didn't know what it was. Off and on throughout my life, I've struggled with what I thought was anxiety and depression. Or rather, In addition to being traumatized, I was anxious and depressed.  All mental health is a serious matter, and should never be minimized. If you are feeling anxious or depressed, it's important and urgent to find the right support for you. No one gets a prize for "worst" depression, anxiety, trauma or any other combination of terrible things to deal with, and no one should suffer alone. With that in mind, there is a difference between what someone who has CPTSD feels and what someone with generalized anxiety or mild to moderate depression feels. For someone dealing with complex trauma, the anxiety they feel does not come from some mysterious unknown source or obsessing about what could happen. For many, the anxiety they feel is not rational...
1 comment
Read more

No, There Are Not Two Sides

  I was in a meeting where a mediator was trying her best to stay impartial to a situation where a large volume of well-documented verbal and emotional abuse had occurred. She was a trained professional, but professionally speaking, she didn't want to be in a position to take sides on the issue. She offered the worn-out platitude, "Well, there are two sides to every story..." I let it slide the first time she said it, but when she said it again, I stopped her. "Actually, when it comes to abuse, there are not two sides. There is abuse, and there is the recipient of abuse. The recipient of abuse is not at fault for the actions of the abuser." Her jaw dropped a moment, then she nodded slowly. She knew I was right, and in this moment, a light went on. The situation she was mediating was not about two people having a disagreement. It was about a serial abuser attacking someone else who had done nothing to provoke the attack. She couldn't stay impartial. It ...
1 comment
Read more

Why Psychological Trauma is More Damaging Than Physical Trauma

You were lied to on the playground.  "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Neuroscientists and psychologists have proven in spades that words hurt most of all. But first, let's establish that abuse of any kind is horrible, heinous, and deserving of attention and care. The impact of physical trauma ought never be minimized in order to shine a light on psychological trauma. Not only is all trauma valid, all perceptions of trauma are valid. Two people can experience the same event and have drastically different outcomes. One's experience isn't more or less valid than another. If it hurts, seek help. Physical trauma is visceral. There is hard, objective evidence of abuse. Most people don't question its validity. It's cut and dry. "If he hits you, you should leave." If you are beaten or shot in a senseless crime, no one will try to convince you it didn't really happen. Children who are physically abused are ...
1 comment
Read more