Skip to main content

Abusers Are Weird About Money



As I mentioned in Abusers Are Weird About Food, the common denominator of abuse is control. Abusers will use anything within reach to control their victims, so the most common, everyday resources are typically the ones most used. Money is no exception. I can't think of a single case of abuse I know in which money wasn't used against a victim in some form.

In my house, my narcissistic father often bragged about how he made three times more than my mother. We lived in a big (empty) house that they couldn't afford. He had lots of toys- a motorhome, ski boat, houseboat, new cars, etc. He surrounded himself with expensive hobbies. He had an expensive pool table in the game room and a dedicated dark room, but he spent much of his time in "his" brown La-Z-Boy watching "his" shows in the "family" room. Every area of the house was his, down to the grass we weren't allowed to walk on in the back yard. In spite of his "very important" jobs, he was often laid off and unemployed, and over time, contributed less to the bills than my mother.

My mother, by contrast, held on so tightly to every coin, it could not be pried out of her cold hands for any reason or purpose. She was charged with anything having to do with my brother and I, so we were her audience for her passive-aggressive lament about how much money our father spent. It never occurred to her that maybe she should talk to him about it. Instead, she managed money by denying my brother and I of basic needs. We often went without new clothes and were required to make our one pair of shoes stretch for the year, regardless of whether they fit or fell apart. We were not ever bought toys or treats. We did not have lunch money. I cleaned the entire 3,000 sq. ft. house by myself for a couple dollars allowance, which usually went toward getting myself to school. Because my mother fretted about money so much, I absorbed her message that I had to do everything I could to pull my weight. She was masterful at manipulation and self-pity. It was no secret my father bought anything he wanted, but it was taboo to mention the obvious that maybe he shouldn't.

When I was in college, my parents divorced, and it was agreed that my father would pay for my brother's education, and my mother would pay for mine. My mother quickly informed me she couldn't do that, so I applied for student loans. My mother decided she would rather save up to buy her own house, so she kept my student loans for herself. I was homeless for a few months my senior year in school, sleeping on friend's couches, because she thought for some reason that she was more entitled to my loan money. Because my mother was so covert, I actually felt sorry for her at the time.

These are, of course, just a few of many stories about the ways money was used to deny, control, and abuse in my family. Abusers are notorious for freezing or draining joint accounts or using all kinds of fear and manipulation tactics to ruin their victims financially. Usually money issues come up pretty quick in a relationship, and are often a red flag for future abuse. If you are in a relationship in which someone is weird about money, whether it is excessive spending or excessive thrift, get out while you can.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

No, There Are Not Two Sides

  I was in a meeting where a mediator was trying her best to stay impartial to a situation where a large volume of well-documented verbal and emotional abuse had occurred. She was a trained professional, but professionally speaking, she didn't want to be in a position to take sides on the issue. She offered the worn-out platitude, "Well, there are two sides to every story..." I let it slide the first time she said it, but when she said it again, I stopped her. "Actually, when it comes to abuse, there are not two sides. There is abuse, and there is the recipient of abuse. The recipient of abuse is not at fault for the actions of the abuser." Her jaw dropped a moment, then she nodded slowly. She knew I was right, and in this moment, a light went on. The situation she was mediating was not about two people having a disagreement. It was about a serial abuser attacking someone else who had done nothing to provoke the attack. She couldn't stay impartial. It

The Difference Between Trauma and Anxiety

I've been living with the effects of complex trauma for a long time, but for many years I didn't know what it was. Off and on throughout my life, I've struggled with what I thought was anxiety and depression. Or rather, In addition to being traumatized, I was anxious and depressed.  All mental health is a serious matter, and should never be minimized. If you are feeling anxious or depressed, it's important and urgent to find the right support for you. No one gets a prize for "worst" depression, anxiety, trauma or any other combination of terrible things to deal with, and no one should suffer alone. With that in mind, there is a difference between what someone who has CPTSD feels and what someone with generalized anxiety or mild to moderate depression feels. For someone dealing with complex trauma, the anxiety they feel does not come from some mysterious unknown source or obsessing about what could happen. For many, the anxiety they feel is not rational

Why Psychological Trauma is More Damaging Than Physical Trauma

You were lied to on the playground.  "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Neuroscientists and psychologists have proven in spades that words hurt most of all. But first, let's establish that abuse of any kind is horrible, heinous, and deserving of attention and care. The impact of physical trauma ought never be minimized in order to shine a light on psychological trauma. Not only is all trauma valid, all perceptions of trauma are valid. Two people can experience the same event and have drastically different outcomes. One's experience isn't more or less valid than another. If it hurts, seek help. Physical trauma is visceral. There is hard, objective evidence of abuse. Most people don't question its validity. It's cut and dry. "If he hits you, you should leave." If you are beaten or shot in a senseless crime, no one will try to convince you it didn't really happen. Children who are physically abused are